Shattered: Confessions Of A Broken Mind

6269.) i dont feel guilty about cheating on him.

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Bruises…

The bruises on my knees are almost gone, but when I looked in the mirror at myself I was surprised.
I have them on my arms, shoulders, and my thighs. And I have to smile, because I can easily see they are handprints.
I must have been really enjoying myself, because I never felt a thing, other than him.

I’m really looking forward to the next few weekends. He’s gonna stay with me- I want to plan something special, don’t know if we should just get in the car and disappear for the weekend or just hide out in my house.

Hiding out here will be hard, my cousin lives next door, his mother lives down the road, and his wife is just across town. My other half will be in jail, so I don’t need to worry about him.

My Bad Boy…

He hugged me when I sat down beside him.
He said “I’m going to smoke”, I knew it was a hint, but I let him go.
Then I followed.

He got up and walked around the corner of the house, and said “Come here.”
I didn’t respond, I just followed. When I was within his reach, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the shadows, where no one could see us.

There in the darkness, he pulled me close and kissed me. For the first time.

We have been friends for 5 years. I’ve been the one he would call in the middle of the night, for a ride, when he was too drunk to get himself home. I have always been the one who was there.

He took my hand and pulled me into the back yard, behind the trees. Passionate, hot kisses, that left both of us breathing hard.
I said “This is wrong, on so many levels. Your mom is my friend, my husband is your friend” I kept talking til he just grabbed my hair, and said “Will you please just shut up” and kissed me again.

I gave up, I couldn’t stop the rush. Didn’t wanna stop the rush.

In the moments that followed he whispered to me things that amazed me. I must be stupid, I never knew he felt this way. Then he pulled me to the ground, and we made love. Right there, on a bed of tall grass.
If someone had turned a water hose on us with cold water, and 100 watt spotlights, I doubt we would have noticed.

White hot, pure passion. Even thinking about it now just makes me insane.
What makes it even sexier is that I know him so well. He’s not just some stranger.

He had a really bad accident about a year ago, and was in an induced coma for 7 days. I have seen him at his worst, and at his best. I have been there for the good, the bad, the scary. And I never knew what he felt.

He’s a bad boy, women chase him. Yeah, I’ve had to watch all that too. I’m scared of that, too. I can’t watch the others chase him now, if I have to, I may be forced to hurt someone….

5765.) today on the bus, i looked over at you. and you were just sitting there, tapping your feet to your music, and you ran your fingers through your hair. i couldn’t look away. i’ve never wanted someone so bad before this, it’s like i crave to be with you. and its funny, because we’re practically strangers, just ones who have exchanged a few words.

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Knees.

How am I gonna explain the bruises on my knees tomorrow? :)

Changes….

My world is shifting. I feel the changes coming. I feel myself transforming. Everyone is confused by my new attitude, they don’t seem to get it. The “good” girl they thought I was is about to become very bad.

Every since my trek in the woods with the sexy neighbor last week, I’ve been feeling different, better somehow. I have let the past year get to me. My self-esteem took a hit. That’s not me, or at least it’s not the woman I have always been.

So, it’s just about 10:30 here, and I am putting my sneakers on and taking a walk. Trouble seems to find me, just maybe he will find me tonight….

5749.) I drop hints for you to get that I’m struggling with depression but you’re too busy looking past me to look at the TV. Thanks for listening.

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His Birthday…

Today was his birthday…(read more..). He was the first thing I woke up thinking about this morning.
It’s funny how someone from my past, someone I haven’t laid eyes on for more than 5 years can still be so vivid in my mind.

I remember other birthdays that I did share with him for more than 4 years…one parked beside a dirt road, in a van….hmm, and another that we spent almost the whole day together in his bed, listening to the summer rain….as long as we could, not caring about the world outside the door……

I still miss him soo much. He’s where I should be…..

5562.) i want somebody to be madly in love with me, every inch of me.

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